Steven, Dorito Whisperer
by mysteryfics
Summary: One night, Steven finds himself in another person's mind where he meets a mysterious corn chip interested in making a deal.
1. Chapter 1

Steven looked around slowly. This wasn't a dream. He knew that much. He was just a bit puzzled about what it was. He frowned, brow furrowing in concentration. Something about this was familiar. He walked through the inky darkness, trying to figure out exactly why this sensation felt like...

He paused. Wait. Lapis. This is what it felt like when he saw Lapis in his dreams months ago. Was he in someone's head again? He had to figure out how he was doing that. He grinned, imagining visiting his friends in their dreams.

Something golden caught his eye, and he turned to face the floating figure. A...tortilla chip? With a top hat?

Steven cupped his hands to his mouth, "Hello?"

The figure leapt a couple feet in the air and turned to face him, quickly floating closer. It stopped when it was only a foot away. It had one eye and a bow tie, Steven realized upon closer inspection.

"Who the heck are you, kid?" A voice sounded out of nowhere.

Steven jumped, "Whoa, you can talk?"

"Of course!" The triangle twirled a cane that seemingly appeared out of nowhere, "The name's Bill Cipher."

Steven grinned, "I'm Steven!" He looked around curiously, "Where are we?"

"We're in your head, of course." He almost seemed to smile with his eye, "I'm a mystical teacher. I choose one hero to train to do great things each generation, and you're it!"

It sounded great. Steven thought to himself, beaming briefly. He'd always wanted to be stronger and learn how to protect others. But, something seemed off about it. He couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"Whaddya say, kid?" Bill extended a hand, "If you'll just let me in, I can turn you into the kind of warrior you've only dreamed of."

 _They weren't in his head._..

Steven was quiet as he stared down at the hand that had begun to glow a faint blue. That's what felt off. If Steven hadn't experienced the sensation of being in someone else's mind before, he might have believed this corn chip. Instead, he knew that Bill was lying to him. But, hey, why not have some fun with it?

Steven pretended to consider it, and Bill grew impatient, "Hey, I don't have all day, and if you're not interested, I'll move on to someone else. You in or not?"

"Nope," Steven answered with a bright smile, "Thanks, though!"

Bill's eye widened, "What?"

"Hope you find someone else!" Steven turned to walk off, but Bill quickly followed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe you missed it, but I'm offering you the chance to achieve your dream."

Steven glanced over at him, "Yeah, but I don't need you to make strong. Pearl can help me with that."

"It takes more than strength to be a hero, you know."

Steve nodded, "Yep, and Garnet can teach me about leadership." He counted off on his fingers as he spoke, "And Amethyst can teach me all about courage."

Bill suddenly stopped, "Where have I heard..." His eye narrowed, "Wait, are you a gem?"

Steven nodded, then shook his head, then shrugged, "I'm half human?"

Bill groaned in frustration, "It would be one of those three-dimensional snobs that finds me in here."

Steven stared, "You know the gems?"

Bill rolled his eye, "I know a lot, kid. I've heard about the Crystal Gems. I gotta say the Homeworld has some interesting ideas about what to do with Earth."

Steven frowned, "Wait, do you mean the cluster?"

Bill laughed, "I mean, what a way to take out your enemies! Total chaos!"

"That's horrible!" Steven shouted, angrily stomping his foot, "It almost destroyed the whole world!"

"Yeah..." Bill chuckled softly, "That's sorta the point."

Steven scowled, but then he took a deep breath and sighed, "But, what _is_ the point?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's the point? You destroyed the world. Now what?"

Bill floated up a bit, clearly excited, "Then we party!"

"Why can't you just party without destroying Earth? Just go somewhere else."

Bill sighed, "Look, Star kid-"

Steven gently corrected him, "It's Steven."

"Sure, Star kid. Look, the chaos and the panic is what makes it fun."

Steven frowned, "Why? You wouldn't like it if someone destroyed your home and then threw a party."

Bill scoffed, "I destroyed my own dimension and partied in the ashes, kid. If someone had done it first, the only thing I might have felt is jealous."

"But, why?" Steven threw his hands up in frustration, "Why would you do that?"

Bill's eye narrowed, "You're asking way too many questions. What do you think you're gonna accomplish? You think you'll make me feel bad about what I did?"

Steven looked up at him, "Who hurt you so much?"

"Ah, geez." Bill rubbed his forehead. At least, that was probably what he called the space over his eye, "I just like chaos! I'm not some angsty misfit that just needs a good cry and some hugs. Nothing makes me happier than other people in pain!"

Steven reached out and placed a hand on Bill's center, beside his bow tie, where Steven guessed his heart was, maybe? "Other people's pain won't make yours hurt any less."

Bill was tempted to hit the kid on the head with his cane just to get the point across, but then he stopped. He could use this annoying kid. Maybe not for a vessel, but at least as something. Bill sighed, allowing his form to sag in apparent sadness, "You...you're right." He pretended to sniffle, "I hurt a lot of people. All because I was hurting."

Steven simply ate it up. His eyes wide and attentive as Bill pretended to share his darkest secret.

Bill continued, "And, what really kills me, is after everything, I'm just stuck here. And there's just one thing I've always wanted..." He let out another deep, sad sigh.

Steven moved closer, "What is it?"

Bill looked up at him, his eye brimming with fake tears, "I just wanted to give a message to someone. But, it's impossible."

Steven looked up at him, "I'll do it."

Bill instantly brightened, "You will? Really?" He chuckled, "You're not half bad, kid." He paused, correcting himself for effect, "I mean...Steven." He straightened his bow tie, "The message is..."

Steven woke up moments later, instantly bounding over to the phone. Bill had given him a number, and he quickly dialed it before he could forget it.

He probably should have considered the hour, but lucky for him, the person he called was up anyway.

A low voice answered the phone, "Hello?"

Steven grinned, "Is this, uh, Stanford Pines?"

"Yes," Ford answered, setting aside the journal he'd been working on, "How can I help you?"

Steven flopped back on his bed as he spoke, "I have a message for you! From Bill." Ford froze in horror as Steven continued happily, "He says he misses you and he can't wait to see you again!" Steven paused, "Wait, no, he said he couldn't wait to meet again. He was really specific about that."

Ford's grip nearly broke the phone in half. He couldn't answer. He couldn't even breathe.

Steven's eyes widened, "Oh, and he wanted to remind you to keep an eye on his plant while he was gone."

After a moment, Ford was forced to take a shaky breath, "His...plant?"

"Yeah, some kind of pine tree."

"WHO IS THIS?!" Ford shouted into the phone.

Steven flinched, "It's Steven." He frowned, "Bill said you'd be happy to hear from him."

Ford's voice was somewhat less hostile now, but his volume remained unchanged, "Did you make a deal with him?"

"A deal?" Steven asked, a little concerned.

"Did you shake his hand?"

Steven jumped when Garnet suddenly loomed over him and plucked the phone from Steven's hand, "Steven didn't make any deals with him. He used Steven to send you a message. He hasn't escaped, but he still wants to."

Ford frowned, "Who-"

"Garnet. And, no I can't convince you to trust me, but do some research on the Crystal Gems, then call back and we can talk." With that, she hung up.

Steven stared up at her, "I really messed up, didn't I?"

Garnet affectionately ruffled his hair, "No, Steven. You wanted to help him. He's the one who messed up." She smiled, "But, don't worry about it. We'll handle it."

Steven sighed, "How can I fix this?"

Garnet paused, then answered softly, "Give it some time. It will all work itself out." She stood, "Now, go back to sleep." Before Steven could argue, she left.

When he fell asleep, Bill was waiting, eager to hear the results, "What did he say?"

Steven frowned, "You know, I would have listened. I would have tried to help you. Instead, you used me to hurt someone else. Now, I'll never trust you." With that, he walked off, somehow jolting himself out of the place where Bill was.

Bill was quiet for a moment. Huh. How weird. This kid's pain didn't feel good at all.


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later, Steven woke up to the sound of footsteps. His phone didn't even ring, but Garnet picked it up anyway. Steven watched sleepily as she spoke, "Stanford."

Ford was surprised when the line was answered within seconds of him dialing, but based on what he'd read, perhaps he shouldn't have been. Obviously, the Crystal Gems were capable of more than he could dream of, "Is this...Garnet?"

"Yes."

"I've done a little reading, and I think a visit may be in order. Where are you?"

Garnet gave the address as Ford scribbled it down in the corner of one of the pages he'd already filled with research on the Gems, "You should leave now. A storm is headed your way soon." With that cryptic warning, she hung up.

"Was that the guy I called yesterday?" Steven asked, a twinge of guilt still in his voice.

Garnet sat beside him and nodded.

"Is he coming to visit?"

"Yes, Steven," she answered, patting his head, "He should be here in a few days. I'll tell the others. You go back to sleep."

Steven pulled the covers up and looked at her, "Is he angry?"

Garnet considered the question a moment, "Yes, but not with you."

That seemed to relax him a little, and he turned on his side, prepared to fall asleep again.

"Steven."

He turned around to look up at Garnet, "Yeah?"

She smiled, "Sweet dreams."

He smiled back and settled into his covers, quickly drifting back into sleep.

Garnet waited until he was sound asleep, then she whispered in his ear, "If you so much as look at him again, we're going to have words, Bill Cipher." Then, she walked off, ready to inform the others of the guests that would be arriving soon.

Ford hung up the phone and sighed, still worried this might be a mistake. Sure, he'd done research, but when it came to anything related to Bill, even Ford had to admit to a little bit of a blind spot. He walked over to where Stan was still awake, munching on Toffee Peanuts and watching another black and white period piece titled Meet Me at the Cotillion.

"So, where are we headed, Sixer?" Stan asked, between mouthfuls.

"Beach City," Ford answered, "On the east coast."

Stan looked up at him, frowning slightly, "What about the kids?"

Ford sighed, rubbing the back of his head, "We'll take them with us." His eyes darted to the cabin Mabel and Dipper currently shared with a sigh, "If Bill's back, there's no time to waste. We should go now before it's too late. The fate of the world is at stake."

Stan nodded, "Good idea." Another crunch as Stan tossed a few more peanuts in his mouth, "Even if you're getting a little dramatic."

Ford sent him a look, "I think the situation calls for it, Stanley."

Stan just rolled his eyes, "Here we go."

"You're the one who ultimately beat him. Are you really telling me you don't want to be sure he's gone?" Ford's voice rose in irritation. He couldn't believe Stan was making light of this _again_.

Stan didn't respond for a minute, and Ford scowled, about to shout at him when Stan calmly crushed his empty bag into a ball and tossed it at Ford's head.

The kids awoke to the thumps and shouts of yet another fight between their grunkles. At first, the fighting had worried them, but after the first twelve, they just learned to accept that the elder Pines twins had spent a little too much alone time together. At least it was never about anything too serious.

"Not it," Dipper groaned out, covering his ears with his sheets.

Mabel sighed, "Ugghhhh. Fine. But only cause you need more beauty sleep than me." She stumbled out of bed, narrowly dodging the pillow her brother threw in response to her teasing remark. Mabel kept a watchful eye out for flying objects as she slowly opened the door. When it came to disagreements between her grunkles, it never hurt to be careful. Once she was sure the coast was clear, Mabel stepped into the room. "What's going on?" she asked, watching as Ford pinned Stan to the floor, pouring Toffee Peanut crumbs into his face.

Both froze and looked at her with sheepish grins. Stan assured her, "It's nothing, sweetie. Go back to bed."

Mabel took one look at them and shouted, "Dipper! This is a two-twin situation! Get your butt out of bed!"

Ford sighed, "Mabel, it's okay."

A loud thump informed them Dipper was up and had likely fallen out of bed. "I'm okay!" he shouted before stepping into the living room. He rubbed his eyes, "What's going on?"

Mabel frowned at Stan and Ford, "Yeah, what _is_ going on?"

They looked at each other, then their great niece and nephew. Finally, Stan shoved Ford off of his back and sat up, "You remember that morning Ford looked like he'd been run over?"

Dipper nodded, "I thought you said we were just out of coffee."

Stan shrugged, "Yeah, that was a lie. Truth is, some kid called with a message from our favorite triangular jerk."

Dipper took a step closer to his twin as Mabel's eyes narrowed, "Bill."

Ford nodded, "We need answers. So, we're going to a place called Beach City. We'll be visiting a group of aliens called the Crystal Gems. Hopefully, they can tell us more about what's happening."

Mabel's anger evaporated in an instant, "Aliens? Real life aliens?! Are you serious? That's so cool!"

Dipper looked cautious, "Wait, did Bill possess one of them?"

Ford shook his head, "No, their leader, Garnet, assured me they didn't make a deal. Somehow, Bill convinced the kid that I'd be happy to hear from him. He was just a messenger."

Mabel grinned, "A boy, you say? An alien boy?"

Dipper looked over at her and sighed, "Uh oh."

Pearl trailed behind Garnet as she walked outside, "So, you're telling me Bill Cipher was in Steven's head."

"No," Garnet corrected softly, "Steven visited the mind that currently houses Bill."

"This is the same Bill Cipher that destroyed his own dimension? Who threatened homeworld? We can't let him near Steven!" Pearl's voice rose in pitch as she continued to follow Garnet down to the beach.

"Agreed. That's why I invited the Pines family."

"But you said Bill is in one of their minds!" Pearl exclaimed.

Garnet turned to face Pearl, "Yes. And if we want to get rid of him, we need to work with them. Ignoring the problem won't solve anything. He's trying to get out, and our job is to make sure he doesn't."

Pearl frowned, about to speak when footsteps sounded from behind them and Steven launched himself at Garnet.

Garnet caught him with a smile, "Hello, Steven."

"Are you guys having a beach party without me?" He asked with a grin.

"Not yet," Garnet replied, setting him down, "We were just discussing our guests."

Steven's expression darkened a little, "Oh."

Garnet knelt down to meet his eyes, "You haven't seen Bill again, have you?"

Steven shook his head.

"Good." Garnet affectionately ruffled his hair, "They should be here in a couple of days. Maybe you could invite Connie over when they arrive. You two might make a couple of friends."

Pearl raised a brow, "Is that really a good idea?"

Steven smiled, "I bet Connie would love to meet a real life scientist!"

Garnet chuckled, "It's more than just Stanford visiting, Steven. He's bringing his brother and his great niece and nephew. They're about your age."

Steven's eyes lit up, "Really?!" He ran towards the house, "I've gotta call Connie!"

Pearl looked up at Garnet with a sigh, "I'll go...clean, I guess."

Garnet nodded, "I'll talk to Peridot and Lapis." Garnet wasn't sure how they'd take it, and one particular possibility would take them a day or two to deal with.

Thankfully, Peridot took it well, and Lapis responded with her typical lack of enthusiasm. A far cry from the potential path that involved Peridot deciding a barn remodel was in order to accommodate the new arrivals. Peridot was not a skilled interior decorator, Garnet thought with a grimace.


	3. Chapter 3

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"How much longer?"

"30 seconds less since the last time you asked."

"But that's so loooooong," Mabel whined, "Can't we go any faster?"

"Not without breaking some maritime laws. And physics." Ford answered patiently.

"Grunkle Stan breaks laws all the time. Why don't we ask him?"

Ford frowned, "Because last time Stanley tried to break physics, he broke the engine. And the hull."

"And thaaaat's..."

"Bad. It's bad, Mabel."

"Uggghhhh..." Mabel flopped back on the floor with a dramatic sigh as Waddles settled in beside her.

Ford relaxed just a little in the silence, but he knew what was coming.

"Are we there yet?"

Unlike rounds 1 through 437 of this conversation, this time the question came from a different source.

Ford looked almost betrayed when he saw Dipper peer into the control room. Mabel looked thrilled to have a partner in her impatient bid to speed up the process of getting to Beach City. Finally, Ford heaved a sigh, "I'll see what I can do to speed up."

* * *

"Are they here yet?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"How much longer?"

"45 seconds less than the last time you asked."

"But that's so loooooong," Steven whined, "Can't they go any faster?"

"Not without breaking some laws." Garnet answered calmly.

"Amethyst breaks laws all the time. Why don't we ask her?"

"Because last time Amethyst tried to break this sort of law, she almost ripped a hole in the universe."

"And thaaaat's..."

"Bad."

"Uggghhhh..." Steven flopped back on the floor with a dramatic sigh.

Garnet patiently waited what she knew was coming. Footsteps raced up the stairs to the temple, and Connie burst through the front door.

"Are they here yet?"

Garnet opened her mouth to respond, then paused as new information changed her answer, "No, but they should be here soon."

"How soon?"

* * *

It turned out Stan's borderline deadly idea halved the remaining time. It might have started a few engine fires, but it did the job. They arrived with a literal bang, and Stan herded Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles out of the boat while Ford rushed down to the engine room.

A small group waited just down the beach from them, and Mabel ran towards them bearing her pet pig and an enormous grin.

Steven raced forward to greet her with an equally oversized grin, "Hi! I'm Steven!"

Mabel beamed, setting Waddles down, "Are you an alien?!"

Dipper frowned, trailing behind at a more reasonable speed along with Stan, "Mabel..."

"Well, I'm half-alien!" Steven answered happily, watching as Waddles sniffed his leg.

Mabel squealed in delight, "That's so cool!" She extended a hand, "I'm Mabel!"

Steven shook her hand, then introduced his friends and family, "This is Connie, Amethyst, Pearl, Garnet, Lapis, Peridot, and my dad."

Mabel tugged her brother forward, "This is Dipper!" Then, she indicated Stan beside him, "And this is my Grunkle Stan. And..." She held up Waddles with a broad smile, "This is Waddles! The best pig in the world!"

"Grunkle?" Connie asked with a raised brow.

"Great uncle," Dipper explained as Stan eyed the assembled crowd with a suspicious glance.

" _Greatest_ uncle, you mean!" Mabel added on with a laugh.

Connie quickly honed in on the book tucked under Dipper's arm, "Is that the new Sibling Brothers mystery?"

He chuckled, a bit nervous, "Yeah! I just finished rereading the Case of the Caper-Case Caper so I could read this one!"

Connie immediately put on her serious-feelings-about-a-book look that Steven knew quite well, "It doesn't make sense that the debutante stole the capers. I've read it twenty times, and I _still_ think it was the sheriff."

Dipper sighed in relief, "Thank you! Someone who has common sense!" He frowned, "My great-uncle Ford thinks it was the _butler_."

She scoffed, "That's ridiculous! He's allergic to capers."

"That's what I said!"

Steven and Mabel were already chatting about all the things they could do during the Pines family visit while Waddles sniffed each member of the welcoming group. Greg took an instant shine to Waddles, Pearl tolerated the pig's curiosity, Lapis just ignored him, Peridot reluctantly declared him cute, and Amethyst shape shifted into a pig, earning her an excited shriek from Mabel. Garnet just smiled, watching as Ford made his way over to the group.

Stan, meanwhile, was chatting with Amethyst, somehow sensing a kindred, mischievous spirit. He mentioned something about showing her a few card tricks later, and Garnet almost imperceptibly flinched, one worrying possibility rising to the forefront of her future vision.

Peridot stared in shock as Ford reached the group, "What? You never told me humans came in pairs! They look identical!"

"They're twins, Peridot," Garnet explained patiently as though that answered everything. Based on Peridot's frown, that answer was clearly not enough to satisfy her.

Mabel beamed, petting Amethyst, "So are me and Dipper!"

"Dipper and me," Ford corrected gently, sending her a soft smile, despite how she and Stan both rolled their eyes, before looking up at Garnet, "Are you Garnet?"

Peridot muttered something about how Mabel and Dipper _clearly_ weren't identical and humans were just confusing while Garnet nodded.

Steven's smile seemed to falter a bit when he heard Ford, immediately recognizing his voice, "Are you...Stanford?"

Greg immediately looked over, preparing himself to jump into the conversation if needed. Steven had told him about the unfortunate conversation that had preceded this trip, and even Connie looked a little nervous at the sight of the man who had come up so often in their recent conversations.

Ford looked over at him, brows raised for a moment, "Yes." He noted the tension in the air and similarly noted he was likely the source. Clearly, Steven was not wanting for allies.

Steven looked down, clearly still feeling guilty, "I'm sorry."

Ford frowned and quickly knelt in front of him, "Don't be sorry, my boy. You didn't know." He sighed, "I was tricked by Bill, too. I don't blame you at all." He followed up the gentle assurance with a smile, "And you can call me Ford."

Steven looked incredibly relieved and grinned up at him, "Thanks, Mr. Ford."

"Technically, it would be Dr. Ford," he replied with a chuckle.

Stan and Mabel groaned in frustration as Dipper settled for an affectionate eye roll. This was not the first time they'd been witness to this conversation.

Garnet grinned, extending a hand, "Welcome to Beach City, Ford."

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has followed or commented. I really appreciate each and every one of you. I'm really enjoying writing this, and feel free to let me know if there's anything in particular you might be interested in seeing in future chapters.

Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up. Hopefully, the next one will be a little easier to write!

This story is also being posted on tumblr (mysteryfics) and ao3 (treble_maker).


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